Liberal versus Conservative

Honestly, have you ever heard such nonsense -- using the word “liberal” or “conservative” to demean someone.   It reminds me of my grade school days and fits right in with childish thinking and the use of phrases like “your mother wears army boots” or “you fight like a girl” and such brilliant tort-retorts as “are too”... “am not”.   Grow up for Heaven’s sake you less-than-well-educated, close-minded, society-degrading idiots -- yes YOU -- you know who I am referring to.

Until this basic split is resolved there is little hope for this country.

I have a plan for the interim until everybody who is lacking can go back to school and learn the true meaning of the words in question.   As in kindergarten, we need to send the respective combatants to their corners for a “time out”.

So, for the time-being we need to partition the country and all of the “liberals” must move to the states that had “Obama majorities” in the last election, “conservatives” to the rest.   Conservatives get to keep their guns (and buy a whole ship-load more if their hearts desire) and they get to blast to smithereens whatever living creatures they set their sights on -- forget quota rules and abolish hunting season.   Liberals can have no guns in their states and must settle the most extreme of their differences with face-slapping.

Conservative schools (and there will be no mandatory attendance nor government-run institutions) will be required to teach Evangelism for half the day (the words “Darwin” and “evolution” will be removed from all texts, although “neanderthal” will remain for those in doubt of their lineage).   If the schools are unable to turn a profit in their endeavors, they will be closed.   Liberal schools will have no set curriculum and time will be set aside for introspection and self-atonement.   Grading systems will be outlawed and there will be no academic testing -- everybody passes!

Television in conservative states will be limited to the “Fox” family and proficiency awards will automatically be granted to Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck (although, in the case of the latter, any further public crying will require that the award be returned, without apology and with male genitalia from the award statuette removed).   Reality shows will become the main entertainment fare so that there will inherently be a dearth of Hollywood stars.   The Liberal states will naturally enjoy a lot more selection in their boob-tube menu, and in fair counterpart, honors will be bestowed upon Bill Maher, Jon Stewart and Keith Olbermann, with the award rotating on an annual basis so that it is shared with Tina Fey, Rachel Maddow, and Janeane Garofalo.   I make apologies here to Stephen Colbert, but we are unable to truly ascertain whether you are a Liberal or a Conservative (tsk-tsk).

As skinny as are the choices in television programming in conservative states, the lack will be more than adequately filled by radio.   Rush Limbaugh may even be decreed ruler-by-default of the whole area.   Of course, Rush, you will have to relocate your EIB headquarters, moving it from Florida to Texas, where the anagram may be parsed in favor of its new cow-country surrounds to mean Extra Intense B*llsh*t.

All gays and lesbians must move to liberal states unless they are willing to live in a log cabin.   And hispanics must move as well, their choices being either one of the liberal states or back to Mexico (regardless of their actual birth heritage).   If they are able to speak ‘merican, however, they may stay on in conservative ‘Merica but only in an internment camp.   Liberal states must allow at least one gay and one lesbian in each government institution, with preference given to bisexual women over the purely homosexual type.   Gay marriage will be allowed, but not gay divorce (except in instances where there has been adultery committed with a member of the opposite sex).

The military will be apportioned along branch-of-service lines with the predominantly “gay” Navy going to liberal states (besides the Liberals will own so much of the coastline that it would be unfair to confine a sea force to inland conservative states).   The macho Marines of course will go to conservative states with bases located predominantly in Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and South Carolina to satisfy their water-attack aspirations.   That leaves the Air Force and the Army.   The Army being more “grounded” and therefore conservative by nature, will go to the red states; the Air Force is “blue” and needs to be deemed liberal.   All foreign expeditions will be left entirely to the Marines and the Army and whatever territory they conquer may be added to the red state’s domicile, once all “ferners” have been exiled therefrom.   Of course, the Coastguard, being neither apportion-able to liberal or conservative must eternally remain at sea.   All taxes collected in the conservative states will go directly to the military.

All health insurance companies must move to conservative states with the conservative occupants therein entirely responsible for their own health costs.   If one cannot afford health care and is terminally ill, then, simply and sadly, one must die (this inevitable population loss will undoubtedly be compensated for by the non-abortion birthrate increase).   The liberal states will have government-run, subsidized health care paid for by huge spending cutbacks in the Air Force and Navy budgets.   Abortions will be legal, whereas they will be outlawed in conservative states; unwanted children in red states will, along with unwanted immigrants, also be deported to Mexico.

Tuneful arts and entertainment in conservative states must be either traditional country music (perhaps some country swing will be allowed), blue grass or gospel.   No rap, jazz, soul, rhythm and blues, classical, folk, ethnic, world, easy listening, alternative, rock or heavy metal will be tolerated -- all of these forms will be relegated to a liberal-state existence.   Toby Keith will be named the Godfather of Country.   No arts will receive government subsidies in the red-state assemblage -- if it doesn’t sell, then it goes to hell.   Liberal states’ arts programs will receive subsidies from yet deeper cuts in military spending.

Cross-border travel to Canada and Mexico will be banned in conservative states; foreign travel will be made mandatory in liberal states, especially to France.

There are many more rules that need to be considered but now we are starting to grovel in minutiae.   This partitioning will remain in effect until both sides: 1. learn the true meaning of the words “liberal” and “conservative” and, by that very fact, stop using them in pejorative ways, 2. gain true appreciation for the opposing side’s views, 3. stop basing world realities on fairy tales, and 4. LEARN HOW TO THINK FOR THEMSELVES!

"I welcome your comments -- but keep it clean!!!"